


LOSERS

by flashbacksandechoes (xpd)



Category: IT (Movies - Muschietti), IT - Stephen King
Genre: Alternate Universe - Everyone Lives/Nobody Dies, F/M, Gen, It's very silly, M/M, but here for accesibility, how did they all survive? i do not know, it's general funny shenanigans but there will definitely be romance bits because im me, looks like shite on mobile tho and i'm not sure how to fix that yet, or scenes from a fictional loser sitcom that lives in my head, originally posted on my twitter, so i dont clog ship tags for now, tags to be updates tho ig, this is a fix-it universe, this is a sitcom
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2021-01-22
Updated: 2021-01-22
Packaged: 2021-03-14 04:22:32
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 1,048
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28914561
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/xpd/pseuds/flashbacksandechoes
Summary: Richie has an apartment that's too big and nice, so the Losers just hang out in it, all the time, whether he knows about it or not. That's it, that's the premise.(Or, a Losers sitcom. Purely for fun and stupid purposes.)
Relationships: Eddie Kaspbrak/Richie Tozier
Kudos: 15





	1. The One with the Pilot

**Author's Note:**

> hi this is just a more accessible version of my LOSERS sitcom scripts i post on twitter whenever i feel particularly unhinged. there will be more but who knows when and what they'll be about... definitely not me. 
> 
> this looks good on desktop, but absolutely dogshit on mobile, so i'm afraid i have to suggest the option to hide creator's style. i'll try to figure out how to fix it soon.
> 
> anyway, these are silly, but i hope they're at least a little funny x

## 

INT. - RICHIE’S APARTMENT - MORNING 

We open in RICHIE’s fuck-off rich person, open plan, two-story apartment. BEVERLY, BEN, BILL all sit on the couch, Ben’s legs on Beverly’s lap, Bill’s head on Ben’s shoulder. They’re watching a reality show about married people throwing water balloons at each other. The three of them are entranced, commenting on the throwing techniques of the couples. Bev is violently devouring a bowl of Coco Pops. Richie comes down the stairs, sleep-rumpled and with glasses askew. 

RICHIE 

(groggily) 

Mmm, it’s my three favorite Bs, who do not live here. 

BEVERLY

(mouth full)

Mowning!

BILL

You don’t have coffee.

Ben waves.

RICHIE

It’s important that you know that the B stands for Bitches.

Richie goes to the kitchenette and starts making breakfast which consists of orange juice and some eggs. Inexplicably, there’s a framed photo of Franklin the Turtle on one of the shelves.

EDDIE enters loudly. He’s carrying three brown grocery bags; he’s opened the door with his foot. He stands there in the doorway and for a second no one says anything. Richie blinks at him, face blank. You can hear the obnoxious TV presenter encouraging the contestants to throw the balloons harder.

EDDIE

Your fridge was empty.

Richie lifts his arms, palms out. Eddie starts to unpack the groceries. The TV show continues; someone is crying on the screen.

RICHIE

Don’t you animals have your own houses? How are you all here right now? If I open the fridge and Stan is there, I’m gonna be very upset.

STAN (O.S.)

How would I fit in the fridge?

Richie startles. STAN comes into the room from the balcony, in a fluffy green robe, clearly wearing pajamas under it.

RICHIE

Did you sleep here?!

STAN

(shrugging)

The bed in your guest room is very comfortable.

BEN

That’s true, it’s really lovely, Richie.

The others nod their heads and hum in agreement. Richie dumps the eggs from a pan onto a plate, then proceeds to put his hands on his hips, looking around the room.

RICHIE

Okay, show of hands, who here has slept in my guest room.

Everyone raises their hands. Bev raises the one that’s holding the bowl and accidentally spills some milk on Bill’s head.

BILL

(to Bev)

Watch it!

(to Richie)

Mike has also definitely slept there, by the way.

RICHIE

Great. Where’s he anyway? Did he, like me, not get the memo that Casa de Richie is now the hottest hangout spot in town?

The front door opens again, this time it’s MIKE. He’s smiling, smaller shopping bag in his hands.

MIKE

Hey, Richie, you have a mouse somewhere in here, did you know that?

RICHIE

No, actually I did not. What the fuck? Did you buy mouse traps?

MIKE

Are you crazy? I bought her some food.

Scene ends with Richie trying to drown himself in the orange juice.

## 


	2. The One where Eddie is a Nervous Biter

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> title says it all innit

## 

INT. - RICHIE’S APARTMENT - NIGHT

RICHIE is at the KITCHENETTE again, sitting on the counter and playing Bejeweled on his phone, waiting for the corn to become popped. A few feet away, on the L-shaped couch sits EDDIE KASPBRAK. Richie can only see the back of his head, but it’s not like he’s looking. At all.

He is very much looking, fuck Bejeweled.

The popcorn starts going crazy in the microwave.

EDDIE

(sudden, loud, muffled)

HUCK! MOVERHUCKER! WICHIE?

Richie almost drops his phone on the tile. The phone already has a cracked screen. The phonecase is leopard print and there’s at least three different Pokemon charms hanging off it.

RICHIE 

Are you GOOD? 

Richie hops off the counter and goes to turn off the microwave.

EDDIE

(muffled)

Yeth, but I need you to come hee and look ah ma mouh.

Richie stills.

RICHIE

You need me to do what now?

EDDIE

(strained, slow)

Come hee and sheck ma mouh fe’ blood.

RICHIE

This is a very normal thing to say to people.

Richie, apprehensive, approaches the couch. 

RICHIE (CONT’D)

So what, did someone stab you in the cheek again?

He can already feel the glare before he rounds the corner of the couch.

RICHIE (CONT’D)

Too soon, yeah, don’t say it. So what’s the dam-- What the fuck.

Eddie is holding a wine glass, half-full. His shirt is very slightly stained red-- wine, not blood. The glass has a sizable chunk of it broken off. Richie blinks at Eddie, bewildered. Eddie looks about ready to murder someone but it’s way less intimidating because his mouth is open in a comical way. He looks like a fish.

RICHIE (CONT’D)

You look like a fish.

EDDIE

(muffled)

You wook wike you should shut ve huck uh.

Richie snickers against his best efforts not to. He scans Eddie’s face and doesn’t find an ounce of blood. He gently takes the broken wine glass from Eddie’s hands and puts it on the coffee table, then sits down on it himself. 

Richie smiles, goes for teasing, but it ends up fond.

RICHIE

(like to a 5 year old)

Did you bite off some of the glass?

Eddie huffs, unimpressed.

EDDIE

IV. VERE. BLOOD.

RICHIE

Unfortunately...

Eddie’s eyes widen.

RICHIE (CONT’D)

(sighs)

...you’re all clean. 

Eddie shuts his mouth as he processes this.

EDDIE

(normal)

What! Why the fuck “unfortunately” then! Do you want me to bleed out of my mouth?

Richie digs his elbows into his thighs then lets his cheeks rest in his palms, squishing his face a little bit, so now he’s the one that resembles a fish.

RICHIE

You have to admit it would be really fucking funny if that happened because you, I can’t stress this enough, bit off some of the wine glass.

EDDIE

(mumbles)

I’m a biter.

Richie smiles wider, dopily.

RICHIE

I bet you are.

EDDIE

What?

RICHIE

(quickly)

What?

They squint at each other for a moment. Richie goes cross-eyed. Eddie stands up abruptly, and Richie makes eye-contact with his crotch. 

He coughs and leans back.

RICHIE (CONT’D)

(under his breath)

Jesus Christ.

EDDIE

I hate you. I’ll buy you a new wine glass. 

Eddie heads to the bathroom. Richie watches him go, then his gaze falls back to the victim - the wine glass, with the bitten off part sadly resting at the bottom of it. He bursts out laughing just as Eddie closes the bathroom door.

## 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> find me on [twitter](https://twitter.com/kaspsbrak) <3

**Author's Note:**

> find me on [twitter](https://twitter.com/kaspsbrak) <3


End file.
